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So recently I have been trying to not vent blog.  Try to keep it positive, which has amounted to a lot of not posting.  Yup, I’m officially in a funk.

I need something to look forward to, but at the moment it just feels like spinning wheels or skidding wheels leading up to dread or stagnation.

really? cuz I’m not feeling it

I’m grateful for a job that distracts me and makes me feel like I am at least helping a few people, even though there seem to be an awful lot that aren’t thrilled I am not helping them.  But that’s just during the week.  And does it define me? nope.

Just not motivated to do much recently.

What I am seems to blow up in my face, so I’m left feeling like “why bother?”.

Typically when life is less than desired it makes since to set new goals to aim for.  I’ve been struggling to do that, but frankly I don’t seem to care.   Keep coming back to what’s the point? Most of the goals I have set are never achieved when it matters.  Its easy to set up small bullshit goals, but who cares? I want the big stuff.  My luck used to be great, but it feels a lot like its used up.

An affirmation I read today said: I’m wiser because of my mistakes, I’m happier because of my sad times, I’m stronger because of my hard times.

Unfortunately, I just don’t feel it anymore.

I have a rule in life.  Give things 3 days.  I want to do something drastic, I give it 3 days.  If in 3 days I still want to do it, then go for it.

Go from long hair for years to a short cut? think on it 3 days

Quit a job? give it 3 days (or more)

Feeling like life sucks? give it 3 days… unfortunately this time its not working in my favor.  Guess there is a lesson to be learned here, but at the moment it feels a bit like “don’t get your hopes up. get used to being just another ant marching in line to who knows where to do something everyone else is doing & don’t stand out in any way or you will get lost or squished.”

I can’t decide what to do next.

I need to let go of dreams and people in my life, but I don’t want to.  Still it doesn’t feel or logically seem possible, so why hold tight to a sinking ship without any hope of rescue?

Because I am stubborn.  I want the restart button in life.  But even then would I change anything? doubtful.  Just wishing I could change a few people & circumstances.  Which doesn’t happen.

so goal for today: find a new goal, something to look forward to instead of just dreading or just maintaining

oh & inspiration to give a shit about that goal…. thinking that is going to be the hardest part

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