Some days I love my life. For the most part I play by my own rules & don’t take shit from anyone. I tend to be pretty lucky, expect great things & there for settle for nothing less than wonderful. I’m a find believer in you get what you ask for. If you believe, you achieve.
But alas, there are things in life that are beyond control.
This singular fact frustrates me.
I hate feeling like I don’t have a choice in things. You always have a choice. If not in your actions, then at least your reactions. Still when you have the choice of bad or worse, who wants to pick either? I’m the type that would rather just walk away.
Tonight they set a date for chemo to start for someone I care about dearly. I know she is stronger than most, but I also know she has been through enough. I want the time back guarantee that the time spent feeling like crap will be worth it. Over the past few years, there have been many moments that I just wanted to freeze the moment & stay right there. Fear of what comes next can be so paralyzing when you know there are no do overs.
Certain situations have no one to blame. Even those that do, do we really feel better through revenge? Cancer leaves no one to blame. Sure sometimes we know factors that may have improved the chances. No one smokes now days without knowing the risks, but its a choice. How many smoke & don’t get cancer? Its a game of roulette. Sometimes the odds just aren’t in our favor.
I wish there were ways to figure out the whys & the hows. Then we would know in the future how to avoid things that cause us pain & strip us of ourselves. Still that doesn’t change the here & now.
So we are left with two options. Deal with the reality or escape…
Neither are ideal.
I can’t stand the dealing. Got the run down of the odds, the basics to expect and the dreaded worse case scenarios. I choose to focus on the best case scenarios & want to forget anything else are even options. Believe and achieve.
& tonight I choose to just escape. Nothing I can do or change right now. I can spend time being frustrated or feeling helpless or I can just ignore the moment.
So make a few phone calls. Enjoy a beer (since the wine tasted gross tonight). Then follow it all up with some pug snuggles & a movie.
Tomorrow I can deal with it all.