I survived another 24 hours cooped up in my house! Just so you know this IS cause for celebration. I’m dying to get out & go to the movies or shopping or something… but since I need to squeeze every penny out of every dollar in my account, I can’t. I did however sneak out to fill up the gas tank & locate the office I’m interviewing at tomorrow. Still just doesn’t have quite the same excitement.
Today has been productive job search wise. Applied to 14 new postings & got responses back for 4. 2 were scams, which are getting easier & easier to spot, another I scored an interview tomorrow & the final one I got an email to call a certain person tomorrow after noon to schedule an interview.
I should be excited, but I’m still a tad blue.
Been wearing my rose quartz heart in my bra (hey yoga pants lack pockets & frankly I wanted it close to my heart). Still feeling a bit bitter about a few things. Still angry about events in the past & the scars that remain. Part of it is frustration with myself for letting it all get to me again. The whole point of therapy & dealing with everything is so that in the future it doesn’t get to this feeling crappy point right? I know I went off the sedatives… opened myself up… but still.
I hate the fact that I am 33 & NEED medication daily. I HATE the fact that those meds are priced at an insane amount yet with insurance they can be purchased at a discounted rate. If I can’t afford insurance, it seems unlikely that I can afford the meds at the higher rate. Sad state of affairs & I hate even more that it seems I NEED them to feel sanity. Guess there are worse addictions, but I HATE knowing I need something.
I also hate knowing that I need people. I was counting on my parents transferring that money over, but that didn’t happen & I get it. I’m sure they can use the cash for something else too. Still I feel let down. Not sure what happened but we’ve lost touch. Thought about going for a visit, but the gas is more than I can afford at the moment & what would we have to talk about other than how screwed up they think my life is & for once, I can’t defend my choices. ALTHOUGH I do not regret making the changes for the better. My self value was boosted by standing up & doing what I knew was right for me. BUT admittedly I was hoping to get a good job (good = make me happy & pay bills) by now.
Another thing hit me recently.. I have a group of 3 girls who I adore & call my best friends. Dawned on me today just how long its been since I have actually heard 2 of their voices. The 3rd I adore but she is changing so much & I worry she isn’t doing things for her best. I can not burden her with listening to my fears & worries. The other 2 are living their dreams in New York & New Zealand. So much history & so much no longer in common.
I always saw blood as thicker than water, yet booze buddies warm the soul.
Now I’m struggling to find my place in the world feeling solo as can be. Family has their own struggles & spouses. Friends off tackling their own dreams with new friends. Heartstrings still there just not as tight as they used to be for good reasons. Still I’m missing them right now. Yet REALLY glad they are who they are & living life the ways that they are. Hoping I can be inspired by the full throttle role models around me. Time to reconnect. But also time to really remember how to stand on my own.
I just have to remind myself that even Venus & Winged Victory started as stone in the ground. Choice is to chisel & make art or just crumble in the process. In the transition it all looks like chaos.
Hoping that some day soon, I will figure out a few pieces. Like how to be me yet deal with all the other “have to”s in life. Starting with how to pay these bills!
I have to have faith that this is all a journey. Hit a few bumps in this road but the wheels are still rolling & there is a gas station within sight. I can get there.
… good thing is I’ve discovered the ideal job. One day maybe that dream will come true but I know for a fact I don’t have the cash and am not in the best location for that at the moment.