Crystal balls, tarot cards, fortune cookies… all tons of fun yet why can’t they give me the real answers I seek? Like how much longer can I be living life like this before things change?
Today I realized several things.
First my Costco membership expired. Should I spend the extra cash (as if I have such a thing at this point in life) & get the savings on bulk items. In reality the main thing I get there is gas since it ALWAYS seems to be the cheapest spot in town. Still $50 is a bit to spend on potentially saving on getting gas. So that has to wait a bit.
Then I realize my passport will expire within a couple of months. How often do I go out of the country? Hardly ever. But still, am I ready to close the door on the dreams? I know it takes a while to renew but it takes even longer to get a new one. Dare I let it lapse? and what does it say about where I want my life? I keep promising myself that I will take that vacation. Last year it never happened due to all my time being spent recovering from the surgeries. This year… maybe. Next year….hopefully.
Right after I graduated college I made a few changed in my life & had decided to move to London. That dream got put on hold after we discovered my mom had cancer. Just didn’t seem very reasonable to be a half a world away when the shit hits the fan. I did end up going to Europe (& LOVED London as much as I could have dreamed) but I stayed living here. Thought, I will need a big change in my life when my mom does go. I can wait. THANKFULLY she is still here & I haven’t been faced with that change yet. Is London life out of my life? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t feel as drawn as I once was, but I still dream of my flat & being able to walk around the streets taking snapshots of the sites.
Have I really strayed so much from living my dreams that I can just let it all go? I know letting the passport expire doesn’t mean I won’t travel again and that I can always apply for another, but it feels like I am letting go. That instead of being ready to go at a moments notice, I will now be saying this is where I want to stay. That feels like giving up. I hate giving up.
Which brings me to the third piece of the puzzle…
My Profession in Human Resources Certification.
Its expiring this June. The last job I had barely had any duties relating to HR, but the reason I got hired in part was that I had my PHR. Now I’m looking at jobs and hardly any have real HR requirements, but part of me knows that those three letters after my name give me a boost. I would love to end up in more of an HR centered position. Truth is as exhausting as it can be in setting up & conducting interviews, that was my favorite part. Finding someone to fill a role that would benefit the employer & the person. There is a certain bliss in all the paperwork & ensuring that everyone on staff is paid what they earned & that the benefits are the best they can afford to have. It felt like a way of helping and protecting. There is a beauty in the details.
But now… do I pay for the training, the application for the test & then PRAY like a monk that I pass? Do I spend money I don’t have in order to potentially have those 3 letters? I still have the skills and experience, so I should still be great. Nothing is stopping me from learning more on my own, but can I afford to recertify…. better yet, can I afford not to? In a way, it feels like part of me, even if its not really. I will still be me without it. The problem is those who don’t know me, like potential employers, will never know it.
Hate money matters sometimes. Especially when its not black & white. I know I HAVE to pay my car payment. I have to buy food for the birds & Baxter. But the little things… how much to let go or at least to put on hold and how much do we cling to? and at what price?
Every choice has results and consequences. So how do we choose which doors to open and which ones to shut?
Reinvention time again.
….but some dreams we have to keep chasing….
which is why tonight, I’m off to yet another 1st date. So far not that thrilled, but I have to get back in the saddle right? For whatever reason I just can’t let go of that dream. I will meet someone wonderful. Even if he isn’t wonderful forever.
Besides, I know the best way to predict the future is to create it!