can I be wrong?

Today has been a real test in trusting my gut.  Something I struggle with all the time.

For starters, I was pleasantly surprised by the job interview I went on today.  I almost talked myself out of going, since by the title of the position & limited information I was given, it sounded like something that I wouldn’t want to be at longer than a few months & frankly its a longer drive than I would like.  When I arrived I immediately felt comfortable & noticed the energy in the rooms were light & peaceful – which is a great thing in my eyes & very unlike a recent interview were I had to wonder how long these people would be here before considering jumping from a bridge!  The position ended up being not the original one, but a higher one with more challenges & opportunities to gain new skills.  Also a better benefits package to go along with it!  Maybe it was a good idea to go to this one.  Did I mention this place gives an HOUR long lunch break?

The other thing I’m struggling with today is worry.  I had a bad feeling recently about someone I care about deeply, but pushed it out of my thoughts.  Now it seams I may have been right.  Still this person is like a lot of guys & pretty much keeps his worries to himself.  I really wish I could help or he would talk with someone… but it doesn’t seem to be my place right now.  Doesn’t stop the worry here though.  My heart aches & my mind is racing to conclusions about what is going on.  Course I think the worst.

Also broke one of my own rules.  I met up with a guy for lunch that I know is currently married.   {GASP}  BUT in my defense, he will officially be divorced March 24, 2011 – so in 8 days.  Evidently its a very calm split & they are still friends, even though she has moved on & in a relationship with a mutual friend.  No kids, no drama & no looking back.  I DO NOT DATE MARRIED GUYS, so I made it clear we could have lunch but it would not be a date.  There would be no date or anything dateish until the divorce was signed, sealed & delivered.  He actually said he respected that.  I sincerely appreciate that he was open & up front about the situation.   Probably would have gone better if I hadn’t been concerned about the other guy’s situation.  We have a lot in common, but part of me just thinks…. its not quite right.  Part of me still hopes that things with Shadow will open up.  Part of me thinks when I meet the right guy, I will get butterflies.  Part of me wonders if I am too jaded to ever get the butterflies.  Should I just be with the stable, nice, mannerly guy or wait for the one who really sends my heart spinning?

I’m starting to think that its just not a good time to date at all.  My heart is too defensive looking for a million reasons not to.  Part of me knows my time clock is ticking on life & there is no time like the present.  The horror in Japan & the stress of my friend’s worries,  just reminds me that each moment is so precious.

Sometimes I just need a vacation from my mind.

Tonight I think I need sometime with a blanket, book & a snuggly pug… then a nice long night of sleep.


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