SCREAM AND SHOUT

So today is the day to Rock the Red Pumps in an effort to bring awareness to the need to be tested & know your AIDS/HIV status.  I had planned on writing some information packed blog to inspire everyone to get test & know.  If you are, then you are better able to deal with it the earlier you know.  Its not the death sentence it was once & you are not alone.  If you aren’t then you have that sense of comfort in knowing & taking the steps to stay that way.  I’m proud to say I get tested & am negative.  The hardest part is deciding to get test the first time (& the needle isn’t exactly fun), but its a relief to know.

Today I didn’t were my red pumps.  Today I didn’t buy red pumps to wear.  Today I probably would have broken my neck trying to wear any color pumps!

A LONG night with very little sleep has been followed by a day that hasn’t been my finest.  I’m a tad disillusioned & still trying to see things for what they are instead of what I want them to be.  I need to be objective.  I have choices that need to be made & am trying to do what is best for everyone.

One way I’m trying to be responsible is by changing from my group insurance I had to an individual one with the same company.  For whatever reason they feel the need to have me fill out another billion pages (ok no problem) & then call to investigate the questions and ask more.  I know its the “way things are done”, but this is insanity.  They won’t issue a policy til they get answers to stupid questions like what medications I have taken in the previous 12 months…. ok I know the main ones, but I’m foggy on the painkillers post op.  Shouldn’t really matter since I was only on them a short period after the operations and no longer am.  BUT this I guess is some deal breaker in addition to needing to know the results & dates of every pap smear I’ve ever had.  I had one abnormal one (which is pretty normal) & the rechecks & test done immediately after all so no problems or abnormalities.  Still… its an issue.

Such BULLSHIT.

I blew up at the guy.  I lost my cool.  I still am heated about it all.  I’ve been with the company probably 10 of the past 12 years & have pushed to get them as coverage for each company I worked at in my HR role & still I’m treated like crap.

I never asked to be attacked.  I never asked to have to have the operations or painkillers… but I did.  Am I really going to have to deal with this the REST of my life?

Maybe its the lack of sleep or the stress of trying to figure out all the other crap in my life to have a better future, but today I am stuck in the past.  I feel helpless, scared and angry again.  I don’t get why it had to happen and I don’t get why I can’t just move on and be over it all.  Still have pain to work through I guess.  Just frustrating.

Thankfully I have dear friends.

Got to spend the day with one of my favorite guys catching up with him & his menagery of birds & too goofy black dogs.  Just what I needed.

A certain pink cockatoo made me want to just hug him.  He would just randomly start chattering at me in what sounded like some driod from Star Wars, or made kissy sounds or “helllllooooo”…. yes, He is found of the ladies & I was the lady in the house.  He was enraptured.  I was flattered.  Still when he wasn’t getting attention and just felt like it, he would screeeetch in that ear piercing cockatoo way.  At first it was a bit like, ok enough, but then I thought…. how liberating.  He just lets it out!

& so should I.

oh hannah, I love you too

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s