Its barely noon & already the roller coaster of emotions!
Started off pretty good, but after checking in with friends on Facebook I felt shattered. It’s the EIGHTEEN year anniversary of the death of a high school friend. It doesn’t even seem possible that its been that long. She has been dead longer than she was alive. For whatever reason, it hit me pretty rough. Suddenly all the feelings of that time came rushing back & I wanted to vomit right there at my desk. I know everything happens for reasons, but its so hard to accept & stay accepting sometimes. In losing her life, she taught me just how fragile we are & how quickly life can pass. Before the accident, only older or sick people died that I knew. If I only knew what would follow, I’m not sure I ever would have gotten through that year. None of us knew how to deal & honestly I still don’t. Death can certainly be a blessing at times, but how often it seems like it comes at the wrong times.
Still I trust that there is positive to every situation. This one certainly helped me grow & gave me lessons. It brought me closer to people around me…. but in a lot of ways it made me fearful & unwanting to get close to people. She had everything to look forward to, yet none of it happened. What if nothing we hope to do is done? Nothing is a given. Which is why its so important to do the things we hope to do without waiting til “the right time”. Hold fast to the moments that bring us joy & those people in our lives we love.
So I get it together…. today is day one of interviews for my job. My role is to greet & do the informal impression. The bosses value my insight. So here I am.
But oddly, its scaring me to think I am being replaced. Its what I want, but also feels odd. Just on the verge of a panic attack when the light bulb above me blows up & goes dark! I couldn’t stop laughing! Just seemed like something from a comedy.
So less stress.
The first person arrives & I learn she is coming back to work after taking time to be with her mother who had a stroke & needed care. Since her mom has passed on, she is returning to work. After seeing Baxter, she mentions she also has a pug! Um… hitting too close to home on replacing me guys!
Thinking I am going to need to pamper myself & may need a large glass of wine when I get home from this day… when out of no where I get a text. From Shadow. Wanting to see me tonight since he misses me. At first I was happy, then thought… great I do not need to deal with this emotion right now! But then again, every moment is a gift. So why not? Nothing says dinner between friends has to mean anything. It would be nice to see his face tonight. Again how does he time this stuff?
so who knows… So to today I say: take me where you shall. I am here along for the ride come what may. I trust that you will do what I need to get through to tomorrow. I’m open to the lessons & experiences you think I need, but please be kind. We are all so fragile.