Best laid plans

always seem to go stray…

At least in my life.

Yesterday started entirely too early for me.  I was wide awake before the sun, which rarely happens & felt great.  So I got up, made some coffee & decided that today would be the day I started moving things into the storage unit.

Also had a photo shot on the Artic Sunrise, a Greenpeace boat that was visiting town & was docked along the Cape Fear river.

but I found myself called away to visit with friends & watch snow flakes fall… yet again in the city that shuts down at the first sight of snow, yet carries on during any hurricane less than a category 3.

I found comfort in conversation.

After wards the productivity fells away from me like the soft white puffs drifting from the sky.  No sense in trying to move anything on icy roads, so I decided to watch movies in bed for the rest of the day.

Unfortunately my choice in movies turned out to be less comforting.

Some how I picked the one that chilled me to the bone worse than any wind ever could.  Seemed harmless enough, but one that just hit way too close home to ever have imagined.  Memories pushed back flooded into my soul.

Maybe the hurt heals.  Maybe it just reminds us to be careful & trust instincts.  Maybe it just stays to keep us strong.  Either way I’ve had my dose.

My early morning turned into a late night followed by even less sleep after awaking from several night terror episodes from which I at 30 I still fought to keep from going back to sleep after .  Why I didn’t just pop one of the medications to numb & sedate, I can’t say.

Truth is maybe we need to feel the pain once in a while.  Maybe its the only way to get it out of our systems.  Scabs must fall to reveal the scars that strengthen the wounds.

So this weekend I feel.

Shaken.  but bold.

I got up.

Got out & got the photos of the boat.

I got the groceries & realized the exhaustion.  Emotionally & physically.  Plans can wait.

I got back in bed & brought on the distractions of more movies.

The difference today is the monsters will look like monsters.  The music will cue the suspense & the screams will come from the victims.

My mother doesn’t get why I like to watch scary movies.  But sometimes its a relief.  Shows that there are worse things in the world.  More than that I find comfort in the endings.  The evil looks evil.  Typically in the end there is closure.  There is usually a hero or heroine who wins their struggle & is stronger in the end for the battle they waged. Forever changed but stronger in the end.

So no recipes to post.

No update on the renovations.

Just personal healing & hope that things do get to feeling easier again.

& hope that by posting this, others who go through similar weekends know they aren’t alone in their struggle.  I know I’m not the only one.

… and yes tonight I will be sedated.  We all need sleep.


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