And the answers come when?

VIRGO: “You believe that your logic is sound today, but you still could be overly optimistic as the super strong will of Mars combines with confident Jupiter to lead you astray. Fortunately, you intuitively know that whatever you begin now can be brought to fruition as long as you maintain a realistic attitude. There is a lot to do and there isn’t a better time than this moment to get started.”

“As a Virgo, bringing order out of confusion gives you deep satisfaction.” …unless we lose our minds in the process! Tell me life doesn’t speak to us with guidance when we need it.

Setting aside the current controversy on the addition of the 13th zodiac sign, there seems to be a lot of nudging me along.

I’m still torn.

  • Part of me really wants to do the redo on the bedroom.
  • Part of me says be realistic, save the money, live with what you have & play it safe.  You can’t move the furniture & do it on your own anyway.
  • Part of me says, DO IT. You want to & if you can complete a project this big & truly make the room yours, you can achieve anything!
  • Part of me says lay low.  Life is hectic & only going to get more so soon. You don’t need another mess right now.

Truth is I don’t know which one to listen to!  (yes this blog post is a bit of a mental ping pong match… sorry)

Confession time.

A while back I lived with a guy I loved dearly.  He’s the one who helped me arrange the room & who surprised me with the waterbed for a birthday.  The relationship fizzed, but parts of the room remains.

Fast forward later, another intense relationship.  Many memories, great ones & a HUGE disappointment.  In this same room, I learned he had joined a cult & could no longer be with me… since I refused to join.

Also added to the fact that this same room is the one I woke up in after the attack.  I struggled in this room.  I thought I was dying & didn’t care as long as it took the pain away in this room.

Its easier at this point to see the hard times.  I WANT to see the good times.

The furniture is a mishmash of random pieces.  Much like the mishmash of memories.

As an adult, its time to define the room & make it a place of serenity & peace.

…..all things that say – YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW.

However….

Financially I am scared to death to dedicate the money into the project.  I fear that something will happen (like the attack last year) that will require a ton of money.  The ONLY way I managed to get through all the medical cost of the past year has been due to loving family, steady paycheck with paid time off, an inheritance from my uncle’s passing & decent insurance.  What if something happens this year?  Can I swing it?

The other thing weighing on my mind is something we just don’t really talk about much.  Seems in my family its more tradition to just not mention the hard to discuss things & pretend they aren’t happening.  In respect to that & also in respect to my own need to get things out, I will just say that they family dynamic is changing & it may be a less slow process or take a while.  Hoping for the best & we have more time than we think, but realistically this could be happening faster than I am willing to fathom.  It scares me.

I haven’t a clue how to deal.

I want more time.  I want more memories.  I want to take away all the pain & just make this person better.

I also want to not think about how hard it is & how much I want to be there 24/7.

This room redo is a distraction.  A physical way to get out some energy that might otherwise be spent wallowing in anger or sadness or whatever else is to come.  Its all already a bit too much to bear at times.

I know its part of the letting go & redefining, but its pain.

So yeah.. another go for it.

BUT if I do…. will it always be a reminder of this period of time?

I hate hard decisions.

& again as a virgo… I over think them.

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