Ok I make no secret in my life gets tough to deal with at times. 

However, there are weekends like this past one that truly test my limits & quickly define my position on suicide.  (For the record – I’m against, but dang life better be easier in the next life!)

What gives? Well I do.

I dreamed.

I started to plan.

I started working on a budget…..

& then it hit me.

I can not do this.

Financially it would be extremely tight.  More so if I don’t even up finding ways to compromise & develope the ideas & concepts into knock off ideas.  Also I am of the opinion that labor of putting things to gether is worth it.  I keep getting advised that I should avoid this or that since I would have to put it together…. thanks.  (& noted again very few people in my life agree with the way I think)

Also I keep being reminded to PURGE.  Excuse me?  Was that not the first step?  Also pisses me off that most of the stress on purging comes from people who live in homes that are FAR more than 880 square feet.  Some of whom even have given me items that clearly have no use or place in a 30 something singleton’s place.  I’m seriously wondering what cause me to receive a Thing-a-ma-jig this christmas or where the heck I would ever be able to work on a puzzle since I don’t have a dining room table or any other tables that would be available for that.

Still I can shake off a lot when it comes from judgement.  A skill that has been much practiced over the years.  I am used to being thought of as different … crazy some say. Just because I think things that aren’t what others accept.  Things like convertibles are fun or that a bit of whimsy is much more joyous in a room than to have all nuetral color pallets. 

So the real kicker came when after doing the budget, I started to plan placement & what would be sent to storage or donated.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.


Sure I have the CR-V which is incredibly more helpful than the Eclipse convertible, but I also have one hand that is tricky at times.  Increasingly apparent with the freezing temps lately.  I’m only in my 30s & this pain & stiffness is irritating.  Brings up a feeling of being changed without my will.

I don’t have any significant other to help.  All will be done by me, paid for to be done (which isn’t much of an option)… or it just won’t happen…. which is the final outcome.

Enter breakdown mode.

I spent most of my unpaid day off (snow & ice) in bed with a mixture of tears & ambien enduced dreams/nightmares.  Thankfully the pets all seemed to get that I needed a time out since the birds stayed calmly quiet most of the day & Baxter checked in but also slept on the couch.

I swear sometimes it doesn’t make sense to have dreams.

Lately most of mine just are out of reach for me.  Forget that people all around me seem to achieve them with ease… they just aren’t mean for me.  I don’t understand why.

So now. No more renovations.

Nothing to look forward to. 

….icing on the cake:  FOUND A SLOW LEAK IN MY CURRENT BED! Yes the waterbed is leaking.

Can you just please send a bus to run me over on the way home?

(I am against sucidide but not opposed to taking the stress & burden off everyone else – as long as someone wonderful agrees to take care of my pets!)


Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Right now I just want to pack the car with a few things & the pets & just hit the highway.  Not knowing where or to what I’m going to but leaving everything behind.


At what point do you just give up?

Let go of the dreams you have struggled to hold so tightly to.

& if you do release & figure out a new direction in life, how do you ever fall in love with that new direction knowing you failed at the true core of what you wanted?


2 thoughts on “drowning.

  1. you

    clear your head. go for a walk. make a nice meal. call a friend. commit your dreams to a journal. they can wait.



  2. I keep thinking never give up, but that hasn’t gotten me there.

    Simple things like a strong, respectful loving relationship. Marriage, kids & a home that is both functional & comforting. I want to be able to be proud of where I live, what I do & who I do it all with.

    At this point, am I wasting too much time in striving for the WANTS to enjoy the haves?

    I love a lot of my life. The caring for the pets, the chances I have to do things I love like photography, travel, art projects all bright spots in my life. But they are moments.

    How do I accept releasing dreams in the hopes that I can find new ones to achieve?

    Thanks, Just needed to vent a bit & figured I am probably not the only person who has dealt with these feelings. So why hide it? 🙂

    HUGS back atcha lady.

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